"Scrolling For Love" aka "This is purely a fictional piece. This never really happened. Never. And if you tell anybody that I actually did this, I'll deny it."

This is good
I like being by myself
I don’t need anyone else
Laundry’s been folded
I have no plans tonight
Desk is cleared
I am ready to write
Let’s just check status updates real quick
That’s a cute pic of Alicia and her kids
Throw back Thursday
Oh my god
Look at Alfie's hair
Look at my buddy who just booked a pilot
Thank god I’m not the jealous type
Who is this young lady with Mike?
Look who I bumped into downtown?
Yes indeed
I will look into her
We have only two mutual friends
Mike and his wife Jess
That’s great I love Mike and Jess!
And she likes The Walking Dead
And she likes A Tribe Called Quest
And she likes Blade Runner
Holy shit!
This could be it!
She could be the one!
I should send Mike a message right now
Tell him to introduce us
I’m so ready for Mike and Jess to be our best friends!
And we can all go to the Farmer’s Market together!
She’ll wear a cute li’l sun dress
And I’ll wear that fedora I don’t have the courage to wear alone
And who’s this?
Look she has a cute puppy
Named Veggie!
Oh my god
I’m so ready to take Veggie for walks!
What if this woman and I are meant to be?
But that’s all that I can see
The rest of her shit is blocked
Mike posted her handle
@kat de groot
Let’s check out her Instagram
Oh she is cute
She doesn’t look too tall
So I won’t feel insecure when she wears heels
And she looks short enough
That she’ll fit
That is a beautiful sunset pic
My girl is so artistic!
And who’s this?
There it is
Her man
Taking a nap
With their cat on his chest
And Veggie on his lap
Looking straight out of a goddamn Gap ad
“Got home and found these three rascals asleep”
#okay I get it you have a boyfriend
Oh jeezus
And here’s another pic
Of him in an apron in the kitchen
“Look what my boo is makin
Chocolate covered bacon!”
Are you serious, Mr. Boyfriend??
Let me gues
Let me guess
I bet you have a job in marketing
And a loft downtown
And you drive Ms. Girlfriend around
In your convertible jeep
And she curls up on your arm
And no matter how windy it gets
Your hair always looks perfect
You never shave
You volunteer at a dog rescue on weekends
You do jiu jitsu with Ryan Gosling
Who comes over for dinner
And he flirts with Ms. Girlfriend
But you never get jealous, do you?
Which is why
After Ryan leaves
You cuddle up on the couch
And Ms. Girlfriend says
You’re so awesome
Then you take out a piece of jewelry that you handmade on your volunteer trip to Costa Rica
with Habitat for Humanity
Mr. Boyfriend
Mr. So Much Better Than Me
Mr. Life is just so easy
Mr. I’m so perfect and so damn happy!!
What’s going on, Joe?
What are you doing?
This is INSANE…
I don’t have time for a relationship now anyway
Too bad too
@kat de groot
#things were looking up for you
and #me
I guess we’ll never know now
But we had our moment, didn’t we?
I hope you don’t mind
But I’m closing that window
Command Q – oh – command Q
It’s you who I truly love
You you you close these windows to these curated artificial lives
Thank god I’m not the jealous type.