I read TK’s movie review on Pajiba titled, “I’ve never hated anything the way that I hate Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice” and I enjoyed it so much that I decided to spoof it. For some reason, reading the review reminds me of something that might be written in the near future about a certain someone’s presidency. I give all credit to TK for what is written below. All I did was replace a few words here and there, i.e. “film” to “presidency,” "Zack Snyder" to "Republican Party." You get the drift. Enjoy.
“I’ve never hated anything the way that I hate
President Donald Trump”
not by Joe Hernandez-Kolski
I’m on record as enjoying President Obama’s presidency. I genuinely enjoy a good bit of it, while also acknowledging that it has some deep flaws. As I headed into the onerously titled President Donald Trump, I kept that in my mind — that this was built on a foundation that, while flawed, had great potential. I avoided advance polls, stayed mostly away from Twitter and other political sites in the days leading up to my voting. I wanted to be fresh and unbiased, because I wanted to give this presidency the chance it deserves. It’s the beginning of something potentially amazing, the birthing of a political version of Justice League. It features a terrific cast — Donald Trump reprising his role as Superman, Melania Trump returning as Lois Lane, and bringing in Ted Cruz as Batman, Sarah Palin as Wonder Woman, Bernie Sanders as Lex Luthor, and Chris Christie as Alfred. This could be the beginning of something wonderful.
Holy fucking shit, you guys.
President Donald Trump is shockingly bad. I mean, I am genuinely surprised at how absolutely, astronomically atrocious it is. I don’t have a great deal of faith in the Republican party, but I honestly didn’t think they were even capable of producing a presidency as wretched as this one. It’s not Obama or George W. bad, because those are garbage presidencies that never had a chance, candidacies made before this current golden age of superhero candidates and franchises (like Hillary and Jeb), candidacies that were never taken seriously by Congress in the first place. No, President Donald Trump is on a whole other level of terrible, and in no small part because of the money, effort, and faith put into this candidacy. This is a candidacy that cost an insane amount of money to create, something that is part of a massive, sprawling, long-term plan. People believed in this candidacy, and I simply don’t understand how that’s possible.
It’s a failure on every conceivable level. Whatever your expectations are going in, lower them. Actually, it doesn’t matter — however bad you think it may be, even after reading this review, it’s worse. I mean it.
The presidency is boring. It’s a hopeless, hapless grind, stumbling about like a wounded elephant, occasionally crashing into things, but never accomplishing anything. It takes forever for the story to develop, because Republicans can’t get out of their own ass and so they need to include countless exhausting expository scenes and speeches. The dialogue is horrendous — no one in this presidency just talks to each other. Instead, every single line is delivered as if it’s a moment of incredible weight and importance, with everyone glowering morosely at each other. It’s a banal, dull, joyless effort, with the two or three sad attempts at humor plummeting to their deaths amidst its relentless gloominess and undying awfulness. Despite its efforts to be dark and serious, nothing ever seems to matter, because you will be completely unable to sympathize with anyone. There’s nothing of merit to any of the characters, no defining trait that makes you want to cheer for them. There’s no fun, no love, no hope to the entire presidency. And those three things — fun, love, and hope, should be the hallmarks of a superhero presidency, especially the iconic ones like these. Instead, it’s a destitute, barren, soulless trash heap of a presidency, removing any semblance of heroism from its heroes, destroying any possibility of empathy and giving its audience nothing to root for at any point during this four year-long atrocity (please, only four years).
Even action can’t save it — the entire presidency is incomprehensibly dark, with every major action sequence taking place at night. It’s a murky mess, and the final battle, between the three heroes and Congress, feels like I watched it with a scarf wrapped around my face. It’s terribly edited, flashing from one cut to another without giving you any of the sense of size or scale that Obama gave us, and then compounding that lack of perspective by filming it in nothing but shadow and shades of blueish grays. That darkness is unrelenting, a constant throughout the presidency, giving you no chance to appreciate even the slightest detail.
President Donald Trump isn’t just bad, he’s hopelessly, artlessly, brutally awful. He’s an irredeemable, mawkish, maudlin nightmare. Am I using a lot of adjectives? Because I truly, truly don’t think I’ve adequately conveyed my thoughts. I came home last night and spent a solid fifteen minutes raving to my wife at how… not just disappointed or frustrated I was, but how angry I was with this president. It’s one thing to reach and to fail. But the staggering hubris and arrogance behind this president is actually infuriating. The Republican Party abandoned everything righteous and good and wondrous about their candidates, and instead made a dour, sullen pile of smoldering shit. And even if you have no history, no love for this iconic party, it’s still simply and objectively trash. I’ve seen any number of terrible presidencies in my eight years writing for this site, but I truly don’t believe I’ve ever hated a president as much as I hated this one. I’d rather watch someone melt kittens than sit through it again.
I walked out of the voting booth wanting to shout at those walking in, to beg them not to subject themselves to it. But I didn’t. Because my heart was full of hate, and I decided that the only way to dull the pain was for them to suffer as I suffered. Let them suffer. And that’s why you should see this president. All of you. Go forth, and endure it. And then spread the word to everyone you know. Let the world know your rage, so that we can hope to never see anything like this ever again.